Happiness and Sadness

I've herd that some good things have been happening at the Church of the Nazarene. It seems that pastor Joel has been gaining a conviction about community and is bringing a friend in to teach the church community. Conviction or no conviction, the last two years have been so crazy for their church, they need it. After being ripped up the way it was when Scott was forced to resign, they need to refocus on community.
For me hearing this news is a good thing. I get to think of my old community of believers in a much brighter light. In fact I haven’t really thought much about that community, and I am ashamed that I haven't. I knew that when they picked Joel to be their new pastor, that it was a good thing. But after I was forced out of the youth staff, I didn't want to think of it at all.
I saw members and attendees, talked with and communed with them from time to time, but thought of them more as fellow believers than Nazarenes. Of course, that is the way things are supposed to be, but they are part of that local church, and despite the conflicting things I've said about the institution (or the Combine) I have - in my soul - wanted to see my fellow believers - who are in the here and now, attached to that title and institution - prosper in faith and community and life and love.
I plan to attend a service in the next couple of weeks to see things for myself and hopefully some wounds will be healed. Not that healing is done without pain. It will be hard. Real hard, because when people ask me what is going on, I don't know what they expect. It's always painful because I know they expected much from me and when I tell them what I'm doing they will give me comments that are supposed to be encouraging, but in the end are saying what is in the back of their mind, "don't worry Adam, you will find your way back to the right path eventually. We know because of your call God will bring you back. " But the truth is, I know that I'm walking the right path, and it hurts because they see me as lost, trying to find my way back (I can hear it in their voice, the doubt, the pain, the confusion, the unvocalized questions, see it all in their faces and body language). To a point it’s true, but I have found God. What I'm really trying to find is peace with the church at large and the ability to reconcile with other believers in the local church without having to take on a label that is not my own.
Sorry so long, but it was needed to be said.