I have had some time to reflect. Why did I panic on Saturday? The answer is quite obvious, though perhaps until now I haven't wanted to admit to myself the full effect of the fear that griped me. Yes, fear had me in its grip and I did nothing but rely on my inadequate wits. Obviously I was not as prepared as I thought I was. Yes, I had my notes. Yes, I had rehearsed a thousand times in my head, but my spirit was not prepared. Perhaps it was because I wasn't listening to God, or perhaps I just lacked the foresight to see how the past, future, and present would clash so hard together.
My first inclination was to think that my fear was a result of the past few years. Not to blame it on other people. No, the blame is solely on me and my decisions. Perhaps it is because of the rejection that I faced, being booted from the youth staff, being stabbed in the back by the institution that I supported for so long. Outwardly I professed utter confidence in the ability of God to take horrible things and turn them around for His good. Even on the inside I knew and believed and counted on that truth, but still I watched in horror as board members and godly people used the church manual to grieve the Holy Spirit. Perhaps these events did leave a wound in my heart and one that causes me to fear. On the other hand, it isn't natural for me to let fear grip me and take me in. No, I remained very much active, speaking my views when I could, and being transformed in the process. Those who have read my blog know this.
Yet, perhaps there is some truth to the initial assumption. Perhaps, I wasn’t facing my fear as much as I thought. In fact, when I was still at the naz I never expressed my ideas in front of those that attended. In fact I almost always shied away from speaking about such things and what has happened in the past couple of years (with the exception of those closest to me). And there I was, about to talk about how God has transformed me and what I thought His will was for me in the past four years, for the very first time in front of a Nazarene congregation, to teens about to face change, and to parents running the system, and to grandparents who had put their whole lives into the system. And I was going to do it in a sort of comic light. And…I…Panicked. DUH! Why wouldn’t I Adam?! What did you expect? Oh, yah that’s right. I didn’t expect to panic because I was comfortable and was blindly going to just speak the message without having thought of the impact it would have on me!
At this point, I don't know if it was a victory or a defeat. Yet I know that I said what I was supposed to say. Yet I didn't speak with the confidence and skill that I have done in the past. Even though I exceeded in facing my fear, I still feel at a loss because I did it as a fool, blind to what I was doing. Perhaps that is what God intended. Perhaps I wouldn't have done it if I had known that I was facing a fear. Facing what happened. I would have done it different. I would have held off on the sanctuary. I would have asked people that if they were interested in having a discussion we could pull some chairs together and talk about my past. I would have let those who weren’t interested leave. But it didn't happen that way. Instead I face the future, and in the future I will make the best of opportunities to talk to Nazarene people about what happened with me. I will continue to face my fear. I will not hold it inside.
